Who Am I When I'm Alone
by TeamDurango
Summary: Thorin stood abruptly, "I already lost one nephew today. I will not lose another!" "But what am I supposed to do without him!" Fili shouted, finally being consumed by the panic and sobs that had threatened to overtake his body since he had awoken. An unintentional follow up to my previous story, Famous Last Words.


"Kili! Guess what I found today?" Fili said excitedly as he burst through the bedroom door, suddenly finding himself alone. "Oh." The sound quietly left his mouth and no one was around to hear it. He slowly turned to close the door with a small click, then he slumped back against the wooden frame, numb with the disappointment he could never seem to escape.

It had been almost six months since they had taken back Erebor, Thorin having been crowned the King under the Mountain and Fili as the Prince. He remembered the ceremony well and almost had to be dragged to the throne, wanting nothing more in the world than to be in that tomb next to his baby brother. And he still wanted that. He wanted it every day so badly it hurt and the pain was even worse at times like this when reality would slip his mind only to return with a crushing force. He had made it through his coronation with a stern and resentful composure, having the weight of an entire kingdom resting on his shoulders, his absence their weakness, but when he returned to his chambers immediately after the ceremony he had cried so hard he thought he would never be able to cry again.

However, that was clearly not the case as he clenched his fists and tears pooled in his eyes, spilling over when he turned around, colliding his fist with the heavy wooden door over and over and over. All of his rage and sorrow and guilt were spent on the door, leaving it splintered and damaged with shards in his bruised, bleeding knuckles, and Fili with nothing but his own sadness. He punched the door once more, weakly, and slid against it down to the floor, his face upturned to the ceiling.

"Kili..."

* * *

"Kili!" Fili shouted, lurching forward as he was ripped out of his fitful sleep by the image of his little brother being pierced with arrows. Sweat trickled down his body and his breathing was short and shallow. His head whipped around the unfamiliar room as he searched desperately for Kili and he breathed a sigh of relief when he heard the door opening. "Kili…I thought you were," but his sentence was cut short by Balin's entrance, followed by Thorin. While he was glad to see the Dwarves he felt his heart clench in fear.

"You're awake," Balin said tiredly but with relief.

"Where is Kili?" Fili asked, looking to Balin and then to the door as if Kili would walk through any second, laughing at how worried Fili had been about him. But Balin said nothing and his breath caught in his throat. The old Dwarf cast his eyes down to the floor, unable to look at the young prince.

"Where is Kili?!" he demanded this time, looking hard at his uncle and simultaneously becoming aware of the sharp pain that spread through his back as he moved. Panic was spreading through his chest and taking hold of his heart and crushing his lungs. His body had never felt more empty. "Uncle, tell me!" Fili shouted, unable to bear the silence a moment longer although he dreaded the answer.

"He fell."

It was not Thorin's sad voice that spoke, but that of Dwalin's who had been standing by the door.

Fili's heart shattered like a dropped star and for a moment he didn't know what to do. He realized that his dream hadn't been just another nightmare that he could simply make go away by crawling into Kili's bed and wrapping his arms around him. It was too real yet so fake and impossible at the same time. It made his head hurt and his stomach do flips.

Thorin sat down heavily on the bed across from Fili's and covered his face with his hand, too guilty to look at Fili's face and too ashamed to show his own. The room was silent but it felt like it was roaring.

Fili's world was spinning and he was losing his focus. His breathing almost stopped but his heart was racing so fast it felt like it might burst out of his chest. "But, no." he said quietly, more to himself than anyone in the room. "He was just here. He can't be gone…"

He felt Dwalin's heavy hand on his shoulder, making him look up at the Dwarf with his pitiful pale blue eyes. "But I need him," he said, feeling pathetically childish again. The hand gripped him tightly and Fili began to feel the prick of tears behind his eyes as he heard and felt how true his own statement was. What was he supposed to do now, to be now, without his little brother to look after? His whole life had been dedicated to Kili; protecting him, making him laugh, loving him…what was he now?

The pain was becoming searing and he reached a hand over his shoulder to touch his back, seeing the blood that stained his palm, which made him wonder how much of the blood that was on him was Kili's.

"Why didn't you just leave me?"

Thorin stood abruptly, "I already lost one nephew today. I will not lose another!"

"But what am I supposed to do without him?!" Fili shouted, finally being consumed by the panic and sobs that had threatened to overtake his body since he had awoken.

"I don't know," Thorin said, crossing the room to sit on the bed next to his nephew, burying the younger Dwarf into the safety of his arms where he cried openly. Fili clung to Thorin like he was his only life line in an open, thrashing sea that had no shores.

"What do I do?"

* * *

"What do I do?" Fili said aloud in the cold, vast chamber. The step he took forward echoed throughout the entire hall and he suddenly felt just how truly alone he was as the sound reverberated back to him, his only company.

The procession that had been in the Hall of Waiting to mourn the loss of their kin a year after the Battle of the Five Armies had already departed and only Fili remained. He stood by himself in the great hall a few paces away from the stone tomb, afraid to touch it, to acknowledge it.

"I miss you, Kili," he said. "I miss you every day. And I still don't know what to do without you or who to be when I'm alone." Fili took another step forward. "I miss your laugh, and your smile, and the way you would always get me in trouble" he said sadly, but with a hint of amusement. He took another step and held his breath, his hand hovering for a moment over cold stone before finally touching it. "And I miss loving you and you loving me back. All I want is to hold you and kiss you…but I can't." Again, tears began to form in his blue eyes and he blinked them back this time, taking a deep breath. "But I still have you with me all the time, everywhere I go, so I guess I'll never actually lose you, Kili."

He looked up at the giant stone god looming above him. The statue was so tall that Fili could not see the top of it, although there was enough light for him to see the eyes of Mahal watching over him and his brother. A huge hammer of rock rested in one hand and an axe in the other, yet neither of the weapons were frightening to Fili now like they were when he had seen pictures of them and heard stories as a child. He gazed at the bottom of the statue that was intricately decorated with gold and silver and precious jewels and looked up at the old face that seemed to look down at him and through his loneliness he felt a sense of comfort.

"I'll see you soon, brother…no matter what." And Fili smiled genuinely for the first time in what felt like years.


End file.
